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Up the Academy:

The Ralph Macchio movie he should want to forget

Okay, I love 80s movies, I do. I think they are great and stupid, until I saw Up the academy. Then I went can I please die? This planet is pointless. Robert Downey Jr. is lucky his father was still alive in 1981 after making this movie. I mean for heaven’s sake, what in the holy spirit of the mother of harry was this crap.

Up the academy is about four kids getting sent to school, uh wait it’s a military school. It seems like normal school to me. They get sent to a military academy for different disciplinary reasons. There they get into all kinds of shenanigans. There is one teacher named Liceman, who is the antagonist of the film. Liceman is a sadist, pedophile who likes to yell at people. In spite of that the kids try to make the best of their situation. And also before I talk about the movie itself I just want to say the soundtrack of the movie does not belong with this dumb movie. The soundtrack of the movie is extremely fun. I would only listen to the songs with special mention to Kickin up a fuss by the Blow up, Gimme danger by Iggy pop and the stooges.

I can get behind stupid movies. I can completely get behind satire. This was none of them. First of all the opening scene, how many cuts does the actor need for that one scene. He had one scene with 4 dialogues max. You had to cut 4 times for four sentences. On the fourth take just fire his ass. The kid kissing his stepmom. Rally? Come on, Really? I liked his father. That was actual satire but the mom, really? As for the dad, I thought Rush Limbaugh was white not black.

I am Muslim. I am a believer but not a devout one. I also want to be a filmmaker one day. So, you could say I don’t care a lot about my faiths rules and regulations. I can take a joke about my religion. That aside if I do the same things this movie does on the other side of the spectrum, I would be crucified to a cross and set fire to it by the Ku Klux klan or someone.

I didn’t really mind Oliver. This is funny cause somehow the white kid is the only kid who is not from the mafia or is a kleptomaniac or a sexual abuse victim. What a surprise? Rather, he is just a horny kid who doesn’t support abortion and will be a divorced man in the future because he is blowing his load too early.

The chilly wind blowing every time Liceman coming in is the only joke I chuckled at in the whole movie. There is sexual abuse, pedophilia, drug abuse by minors, old man farting jokes, cleavage shots, blackmailing students with sexual photos, and then getting blackmailed by the students through sexual photos, subtle gay jokes, an extremely uncomfortable attempted rape scene, and a few other stuff. But the biggest sin of the movie is one thing and one thing only. You flucking do not play soccer like that. I will accept everything except stupid soccer. You do not play without rules in soccer. If you don’t know the rules of soccer, play football. The rules are much simpler. Take the ball in your hand and run with it. With that being said, the only thing Ralph Macchio can do is soccer keep-ups. So I understand the soccer thing.

Ralph Macchio, what can I say about a living legend. The true OG karate Kid. And yes I saw the Jaiden Smith Karate Kid before the Ralph Macchio one. Bite me. He seems like an annoying kid but is also a good enough child actor. Even though he was 19 when he did shoot this movie. And thank god Stacey Nelkin was 21 years old when she acted in this movie or I would start a shaming campaign against Robert Downey Sr. by myself.

As for the people who like this movie, please stop. You are the people who make humans want to kill themselves.

I never want to see, hear or learn about this movie ever again. I hate Robert Downey Jr. now that I know his father is the reason this crap exists and I was the biggest Iron Man fan. I can’t still believe I watched this thing. I want to bleach my eyes and cure my covid by retiring myself from existing. Frick this movie. Crap, this was crap. I hate you and everyone else because of whom this exists. Don’t ever watch this film. My thoughts on the movie are that it’s excruciating on so many levels that Micheal Bay would have gone into a downward thinking spiral after watching this movie and be like I want to be in a different profession.

Now that I got all that out of my system I can got to sleep. And yes I started watching this movie at 11:30pm and right now it’s 1:18am. I had to get my rage out just so I could got to sleep. So thank you for for enduring.

I love movies. I am a sarcastic brown guy who wants to share his love for movies with everyone.

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